24 July 2009

prayer request

I know I wrote on Zeke's blog that I know he's fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps 139:14) but I'm really having a hard time with this dilemma. Formula. I never wanted to give it to him (nothing against anyone, but I wanted to only breastfeed). Since he lost so much weight in the first few days, we had to supplement (and my milk didn't come in until the 5th day), then we took him off the formula and he didn't poop for 5 days and we needed to make sure he was hydrated and all so he was back on it. Now through all this I'm trying to pump, and barely get an ounce a day (yesterday was a miracle and I got 1.5 oz), and that's frustrating.

This morning I was determined to not use the bottle and we spent 3.5 hrs going back and forth between each side and him getting mad and crying because it wasn't coming out fast enough. Changed diapers, burped him, changed from side to side... he fell asleep for like 5 minutes and then woke up when I tried to put him down. Needless to say I finally caved in when Anna and Darci came to visit because it was nearing 4 hours of this struggle.

Now, I've come to realize that I put my worth as a mom in my ability to provide milk for my son. We all know "breast is best" but I'm starting to really get frustrated and overwhelmed. Why can't I pump 2-3 oz? Why can't he be happy with just mommy's latte? What's wrong?!

Please pray that God would change my heart and make me realize and understand and grasp how much my worth is not measured by milk production or using formula...because right now, the walls of this pit seem awfully slimy and tall.

Many thanks~

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