25 August 2009

Um...

Oops-I started this post 25 Aug and never finished it. So I'm just posting it now.
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Alright, so I take back that statement about my son. I was wrong. Apparently I was doing something wrong, and I messed up so it was much harder to suck than it was supposed to be.

Now that I've made that clearance and cleared my conscience.

I had a nutritionist appt the other day. To get my weight, body fat composition, and metabolic rate check. Unfortunately it wasn't my normal lady, which is pretty sad for me, but it was still cool to get the bod pod assessment again, and see where I need to go. She mentioned not eating enough, and she wanted me to stay in the higher range of my calories (2200). So that meant I needed to track my food intake. I started, and boy was I amazed at how much I actually take in. You know when you don't eat sweets or junk food, and snack on fruits and veggies-your calorie intake is a lot less than what it used to be. *sigh* Amazing how after 24 years of eating too much, I'm actually on the other end. You know how your body goes into starvation mode when you don't eat enough, I think that's what was going on. My body needs a certain amount of intake in order to produce milk, and with working out and life, I wasn't losing weight because my body was in starvation mode, and probably a huge contributor to why I am not able to produce enough milk. Interesting right? I know.

Well, I should be sleeping, but I'm addicted to JAG. One disc at a time... as it flows in thru Netflix. Season one baby. Anyway. Here's something hilarious from SNL- it's a skit with Justin Timberlake... frickin hilarious.


23 August 2009

yoga

In efforts to get back into shape, I'm trying to get someone to do the P90x workouts with me... probably the lean series instead of the regular one...

Anyway, looking through this one site I found this video of Tony Horton (P90 workout man). I loved it. Wanted to share. Definitely makes me want to do yoga again...and hopefully tonight I can do the YogaX workout. :)

22 August 2009

What's up...

Chicken butt? lol.

Well, as I am sitting here with the bebe asleep next to me, I have to tell you. He's lazy. I thought today I would try using the SNS the whole day, and not give him the bottle....the bugger can tank like 4oz from the bottle, and using the SNS it takes him like half an hour just to eat 1oz. I had mercy on him and changed the tube to the middle one (I was using the skinnier one that makes him work), but at this rate, I might have to change to the biggest one just so he A) eats enough B) will go more than 30min without getting fussy cause he's hungry. It's this cycle, he eats and falls asleep because it's too much work, and when I leave he wakes up and is fussy, becuase he's hungry. Boo.

Anyway, here are some pics that don't really go on the baby blog (except the one right below-but it's so cute, I wanted to share).


What a cutie! He was just in the carseat chillin and we looked at him and he's just smiling! I'm glad we caught one on camera
19 Aug


Visit from Sarah and her beautiful Scarlett (4 days older than Zeke)
14 Aug


New Running Shoes! My feet got bigger with pregnancy and I'm not too sure they will go back. But I couldn't take it anymore, so I bought some new shoes. I also bought some Oakleys... that are smaller than the ones Marcus gave me... in order to be good for running and biking. It was a pricey day at the Running Room. But I love that store.


Marcus got me some beautiful flowers... just because :D
12 Aug

17 August 2009

CT scan

Well today (Monday) was the first step towards surgery prep. I had my CT scan so they can send it to Walter Reed and have a mold of my jaw made (In order to prepare the titanium bar for my jaw).

It wasn't the most pleasant experience. Starting with fasting (food AND water) for four hours. The water killed me. I was so stinkin thirsty. Then I left my book in the car. Putting the needle in wasn't too bad, but when they put the contrast in, it was not enjoyable. Tasted like isopropyl alcohol in my mouth, then that "warming sensation" she warned me about, saying it would feel like I peed my pants, more like felt like my skin was burning! My left arm was on top of my body and where there was contact, HOLY SMOKES. I was just, "I don't want to go to hell, it's a billion times worse than this." All I could focus on was, "Jesus, Jesus" in my head. I figured he went through a lot worse I could get through this. Fortunately it didn't take very long and I was still (unlike when they did the practice), But still.

I left the baby at home with mother in law and a passed out marcus (he worked a mid). So after my appt I headed to Target, and then Sams club. It's amazing running errands without a baby. PLUS I cannot breastfeed for at least 24 hours after getting a CT scan. It's the contrast stuff they put in you, don't want baby taking it in. So I have to pump and dump. Lame. Actually sad is more like it. Seeing this liquid gold...and I'll have to throw it away. :( Anyway, not having a committment to bf the baby, or pumping to preserve milk, made it kind of carefree. Minus having to throw it away (I'm almost up to 3oz so far.)

I can't wait to have a regular stomach. I have this flap of skin/fat that hangs over my waist. UGH. It makes shopping for bottoms, not enjoyable as my body is this weird shape. I'm going to be starting P90 next week (I think). I'm excited. Or I might ease into it until Sarah and I can do it together. But still. It's a workout regime that's pretty easy to follow (relatively-minus the pain). Still.

Alrighty, time to freeze the good milk from earlier today and yesterday, and then head to bed. I went to bed last night around 1045, and I still slept til 9. :/ Wondering if I needed some rest...

Oh, in a God humor sort of way, my supplemental nursing system came in the mail today. LOL. O well. I can try it out tomorrow. :D

15 August 2009

Overload of info

Sometimes too much information is bad. I think I'm at that point with this ameloblastoma deal. Reading Tina's blog adds stress, so I think I'm done reading other peoples' blogs for a while and looking at pictures of how swollen their face gets and how black and blue hips are and not being able to walk.

So for now, I'm going to feed my son, brush my teeth and go to sleep.

G'night. Enjoy new pics and video on the baby blog. :)

13 August 2009

Follow Up appt

Today was baby's followup appt to his 2week baby well check up appt (or whatever it's called). They wanted to see him again because by 2weeks he still wasn't back to his birth weight (he was 7lb7oz). Well today, he was 8lb9oz (without clothes/diaper) and 21 inches! He is definitely gaining some weight (thanks to formula), because as you might remember he was 7lb15oz on Monday with the lactation lady. The doctor asked me about my milk and all this stuff. I happened to mention something about my surgery coming up (which is moved to Oct 16th) and my biopsy that was during the final weeks of pregnancy. He had this lightbulb look and was like, "well that's why your milk hasn't come in!" He says that because of this added stress it's preventing my milk from fully coming in (hence not being a dairy cow). Which I guess was his way of comforting me and saying nothing is wrong with me, physically. At least he didn't say, "Just stop stressing." That would have made me mad. Speaking of milk, I ordered the "permanent" supplemental nursing system from amazon. I enjoy using the "temporary one" (made to last 24hrs, ha! been using mine for a week) now that I'm not so stressed about my milk coming in...and I think the permanent one will help me feel like I'm still bonding with baby, even if I am not providing his main nutrition. I tried calling Tripler lactation to see if they had any, I left a message but she didn't call me back today, and I'm impatient. Besides, if they have it, I can always return it.

But he did make me realize, and confront the fact that I'm worried about upcoming things. I'm worried about being able to pump enough at work to help keep up the milk supply I do have. I'll be training in a new position that requires me to pretty much always know what's going on in all positions, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to leave every 3-4hrs to pump for 15-30min as needed. I'm worried about my surgery. At first I wasn't, I was like, okay whatever. Then he told me about staying overnight. THEN I looked up "Ameloblastoma" on the net and found people's blogs... and I think that made me even more nervous. My face is gonna be messed up after surgery (I mean, they say I'll be fine, but I think they mean after after all the healing and stuff). Which, ok I'm not too vain I don't think, but it was more, HOLY SMOKES this is a big deal. This is gonna hurt. This is not some easy peasy thing. And of course worried about after my surgery, when baby is not with me, and I'm in that few days of fog with pain medicines, what it will be like trying to pump (and dump) what milk I can... while I'm so foggy. You think I can ask the nurses to pump me? :P haha, if Dr Elyassi was here, he'd say, "keep up that sense of humor." At first I didn't know what that meant... now I understand. Check out this guy's blog... and you'll know what I'm talking about.

So that's my update. Now I'm going to shower because I feel gross... and rest. Tomorrow Sarah comes to visit (and Zeke can see his girlfriend Scarlett :P) and... I should work out tomorrow. Didn't today or yesterday...

11 August 2009

Lots to comment on...

Well. Where shall I start?

How about this.
Yesterday was my lactation appt (and Amy was right, Joanne was amazing). Good news, baby weighed 7lb 15oz! (a great 7oz gain in 6days). The bad news, when he ate, he only took in .5 oz from me. Translation-I am not a dairy cow, and must keep supplementing.

Today was my first pre-op appointment to prepare for my October surgery. Tentatively scheduled for 13 Oct (as long as things go along). Apparently I was mistaken about my impression for after the surgery. I was thinking it was a same day kind of thing, you know-like your wisdom teeth. Go in, get knocked out, come home with codeine. Not so much. More like, go in, stay in the hospital for at least 2-3 days. For pain control the first few days I have this like morphine drip that I push a button and it gives me more medicine so I don't have to keep bothering the nurses. *sigh* I wasn't expecting that at all. My first question was, "Can my baby come visit me?" he said probably not the first couple days (because of different wards I'll be in) but once I go to the normal recovering one, (forget what it's called) then he can come visit me.

My next thing is to get a CT scan so they can send it to Walter Reed and get a mold of my jawbone, to help form the titanium piece that will go into my jaw. Then another appt early September.

That's all I can think of for now, I'm tired and daddy is feeding baby and I'm gonna go brush the teeth and sleep.

09 August 2009

4 weeks...

I can't believe 4 weeks ago and 5hrs I pushed out a little squirt. It's amazing to think that it's been that long. It definitely feels like a whirlwind, each day with its own battles and happy moments. I'm grateful for them all. Speaking of which, I have LOTS of pics I need to upload to his blog. The whole trying to increase the milk supply has taken some free time of mine, so perhaps this week I'll be able to update his blog.

In the meantime, how is my milk you might ask? Well I stopped using the tubey thing on Thursday I think. I was going on like 8-9hrs of sleep for two days and couldn't take it, so I gave him the bottle. Wow, definitely easier. Still hard for me to see him tank so much formula (reminds me that I am not producing enough), but on the plus side I filled about 4oz of milk in 36hrs (probably my record so far). I've backed off the intense pumping (every hour) just because I've tried to go out and get some sanity. Yesterday Kimmy had a bbq at the beach with some friends so Marcus graciously dropped me and the baby off. We cruised at Kaimaina's (of course! a huge deciding factor for me to go :P sorry kim), he got passed around and I went snorkeling with Misty, Sarah and Erin for about 30 min or so. I couldn't take being in the water too long, because I knew the baby would get hungry soon and wanted to offer him some milk before the formula. It was still fun, and I got to be outside! In the sun! AND the water! definitely a blessing.

I am trying to let go of the inadequacy thing. It's still hard. I didn't realize until I was at church this morning and our closing set of worship included "Came to my Rescue" and the song mentions that "you came to my rescue" and I got mad at God because in my mind, he didn't come to my rescue. My milk isn't abundantly flowing and my child still needs formula. Granted, he's looking much better after eating more (who'da thought right? *sigh*) but I was like, "God you were supposed to come to my rescue, my boobs aren't overflowing, where are you?" Driving away from church to the commissary something clicked from Mackey's teaching. We talk about the refining fire and how if the blacksmith doesn't scrape off the impurities while the silver/gold is in the fire and everything is on top, then he loses the chance and they'll go back into the metal hidden away. Only to come back to the surface when in the fire. The point is, we as Christians go through trials in order for God to scrape some of our impurities off (i.e. we didn't learn from the trail), then we'll have to go through it again, eventually.

The very first part of my labor was not the way I wanted (my water broke without having contractions). There have been parts along the way with the delivery and after birth that have not gone the way I wanted. And it continues to go this way? Why... because I haven't surrendered my will to His. I still hold on to my expectations in life and what I think should happen...instead of completely trusting in Him. If I trusted that God would provide me ways to make sure the baby was healthy, then it wouldn't matter if I exclusively breastfed, couldn't pump anything out, gave him formula with a cup or a bottle, because my ONLY focus would be on a healthy baby. If I was truly surrendered to Him...then a lot of my life would be a lot easier...

06 August 2009

Power Pump!

So... a quickie before he wakes up and it's time to feed... so much for the mini power nap.

I was looking through my texts and saw one from Jessamy, and was thinking I should say hi. But I didn't. I put the phone down, and literally-not exaggerating, she calls me within 5 seconds. We start talking about baby and the bf issue... and her friend Dawnita (that I stayed with last summer before camp) is a lactation nurse! And they were together- so she talked with me, and gave me some encouragement, and told me to powerpump. Meaning, every hour on the hour (or after baby feeds), pump for 10min. Med suction is fine, lower speed setting... and this stimulates baby going through a growth spurt, and tomorrow I should start seeing an improvement with my milk supply. I was soo blessed! Not a coincidence, but a God-incident! He totally provided someone I knew to encourage me and help me. She said I the SNS was a great idea (helping me and helping him)...

That's my praise report for today. Plus the fact I got like 4hrs of sleep last night, and so far (been up 5hrs), doing ok... God has totally sustained me! A little cranky towards hubby, but I know after this feeding, we'll be taking a nap together!

Trials...

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

Let me start off by saying this, it's 2am, and I love my child.

Now, let me tell you what's happening. Where to start...

I went by the Kapiolani Lactaction consultant yesterday, to purchase a Supplemental Nursing System (a concept like the IV, attach a small tube to you so baby can suck it as it gets milk from you) and they by chance weighed the baby. He was 7lb 8oz with a dry diaper and a onesie (when he's weighed at Tripler, it's naked weight). What does that mean, that means since his last appt, about 1.5 weeks ago, he has gained less than an ounce. That's really bad.

Apparently that time when I was so excited that he hadn't had any bottles, I was sort of starving him. I'm not producing a ton of milk. This means baby isn't getting enough, therefore not gaining weight (or pooping, and probably looking a bit more yellow than usual). So I thought I was doing good, not so much. I went to purchase the SNS because Marcus made me realize that Z wasn't getting anything out of me (and neither could I when I squeezed). This made me very upset.

The game plan is this...Use the SNS during daytime feedings to give an extra ounce of formula everytime I feed him. The advantage of the SNS is that it stimulates my body into producing more milk (because he's staying latched on longer than he was). I also HAVE to pump for 15 min after each feeding... it doesn't have to be on the highest suction (cause boy that kills you!) but I do need to keep the stimulation after he eats. My next lactation appt is Monday afternoon, in which case we'll weigh the baby and see how he's doing. Hopefully better. If I do not have abundantly flowing milk that will sustain Z, then we will be using the bottle to help supplement, my quest to BF might be reduced.

Needless to say, I'll probably get up in a few hours to pump again (because someone thought I NEEDED to pump EVERY 2hrs), however my argument is one of the things that hinders milk production is lack of rest. So if I have to wake up every 2hrs to pump, how does that help my rest? Let alone dealing with the baby that sometimes stays awake for an hour feeding. Which, during the night feedings, I won't be using the SNS because it's super annoying to use (a lot of setup, I need like 4 hands). I'll call the lactation lady tomorrow and ask.

It's been very very rough. This morning between the hours of 0645 and 1300 my schedule was literally prepare the SNS, feed him, think he was sleeping, prep food/start pumping he starts crying again. Pump for 10 if crying, repeat feeding process...change diaper. I ate breakfast around 8 I think, and didn't get to eat lunch until after 1. So much for "when the baby eats, I eat." He likes to wake up while I'm pumping. Annoying. And my SNS started to leak, and that blew me over the edge. I screamed into a pillow. You try preparing stuff while your baby is crying because he's hungry because you're taking too long. I finally ended up giving him formula through a cup because the SNS pissed me off so much and I knew I wasn't giving him anything. Then we both slept...forever. I woke up around 1545ish...and finally woke him up to feed him (after all preps) around 1615 or so. I didn't leave the house until Marcus and I went to Walmart to look for a baby scale.

*sigh* I just have to last until Monday. This whole process of feeding and pumping and prepping...leaves maybe an hour (max) in between feedings, esp if going every 2hrs. It's...hard. I hope I learn whatever I need to learn from this...

On the plus side, I froze 3oz tonight. I think it's been gathering from the past 2 days or so... but still. Another bag to add to the freezer. We're up to two bags! :P

G'night. Pray for me. I need it.

03 August 2009

Slowly...

I had an adventure this morning... I thought I'd try on some old clothes of mine.
I laughed at the 10s. So I tried the 12, they were baggy beforehand... it would have been great muffintop if I were them out. Then I tried the 13 jean shorts... not even close.

I almost got frustrated and disheartened, until I had to take a breath and realize... it's only been 3 weeks since he was born. Three weeks ago I was 207... now I'm 187. I can't complain too much right, 20lbs in 3 weeks?

Yesterday Marcus rode the bike a little while I pushed the jogging stroller. We did over 2.5miles in about 45minutes. I tested the waters and did 3-60sec jogs in the middle... Marcus asked how I felt, I responded, "like a fat kid." *sigh* Slowly... I'll be able to run longer than 60sec at a ridiculous pace. Slowly I'll gain my old body back (I hope!).

The good thing is that Marcus proposed an eating challenge. When his mom had a bad infection in her mouth she stopped eating sweets and processed foods, and stuck with protein, fruits, veggies and whole grains. (sounds like a diet right?) so I'm trying to stick with it... it's difficult...especially since I wanted my proteins to be beans and grilled meat-but that doesn't always work out. I just figure that limiting sweets is a good step, and an effort to do something else besides pray for healing. Until October when they go into my mouth, and prayerfully they see the tumor completely gone, and my bone fully restored.

Gotta try pump a little more before baby wakes up... then chores. Thankfully the MIL helped and did the whites and colors for us today. :) Marcus goes back to work tomorrow... sadness. I still need to figure out the leave thing...and respond to my boss...

01 August 2009

little steps...

Well, I'm stoked to say that yesterday we went the WHOLE day without a bottle! I was able to stay home with baby and we got to BF the whole time. Well, we did go out in the evening to the One Love Couples Retreat, but even then I felt comfortable BFing Zeke because I had asked Waxer about it earlier. I just snuck out to Cindy's office... but he actually slept through most of it last night, and this morning was more the hourly cluster feedings. Hopefully I can keep this trend up, and tomorrow I can spend some time pumping more. I also pumped .5 oz out yesterday and just froze what I had gathered over the past couple days (2.5 oz). Not a whole lot, but I was tired of not being able to finish it (the goal was 4oz) but I also didn't want the milk to go bad.

I am a little concerned that he might not be gaining a ton of weight, but we'll see what the doctors say. His next appt is 13 Aug, and I'm not sure how long we'll be able to keep up the exclusive BF regime.

Had a scheduling glitch at work. I thought my maternity leave would go until 31 Aug (I accidently added a week) so it ends 25 Aug. Then I requested 3 or 4 weeks on top of it, but it skips a week because of that gap. Tonight I have to try and figure out scheduling and how much leave I have to take, I might have to go back to work for a weekend just so I can save some leave, and then go back on leave. I'm not sure. We gotta figure something out since my mom needs to know when she needs to be out here to pick up the baby sitting job. Plus it appears there might be two EPRs due around that time... and then the first surgery is scheduled in October. Something else I have to coordinate with my boss... since that's about 4weeks of convalescent leave. Although if the Lord answers our prayers of complete healing by the surgery, I suppose my recovery time would be much less :) It would just be required so I could heal from them going in and checking it out... No matter what though, I'm confident the Lord will provide. He'll work something out.

Time to grab baby and go for a mommy & baby nap before Natasha's thing tonight...
Aloha!