I can't believe 4 weeks ago and 5hrs I pushed out a little squirt. It's amazing to think that it's been that long. It definitely feels like a whirlwind, each day with its own battles and happy moments. I'm grateful for them all. Speaking of which, I have LOTS of pics I need to upload to his blog. The whole trying to increase the milk supply has taken some free time of mine, so perhaps this week I'll be able to update his blog.
In the meantime, how is my milk you might ask? Well I stopped using the tubey thing on Thursday I think. I was going on like 8-9hrs of sleep for two days and couldn't take it, so I gave him the bottle. Wow, definitely easier. Still hard for me to see him tank so much formula (reminds me that I am not producing enough), but on the plus side I filled about 4oz of milk in 36hrs (probably my record so far). I've backed off the intense pumping (every hour) just because I've tried to go out and get some sanity. Yesterday Kimmy had a bbq at the beach with some friends so Marcus graciously dropped me and the baby off. We cruised at Kaimaina's (of course! a huge deciding factor for me to go :P sorry kim), he got passed around and I went snorkeling with Misty, Sarah and Erin for about 30 min or so. I couldn't take being in the water too long, because I knew the baby would get hungry soon and wanted to offer him some milk before the formula. It was still fun, and I got to be outside! In the sun! AND the water! definitely a blessing.
I am trying to let go of the inadequacy thing. It's still hard. I didn't realize until I was at church this morning and our closing set of worship included "Came to my Rescue" and the song mentions that "you came to my rescue" and I got mad at God because in my mind, he didn't come to my rescue. My milk isn't abundantly flowing and my child still needs formula. Granted, he's looking much better after eating more (who'da thought right? *sigh*) but I was like, "God you were supposed to come to my rescue, my boobs aren't overflowing, where are you?" Driving away from church to the commissary something clicked from Mackey's teaching. We talk about the refining fire and how if the blacksmith doesn't scrape off the impurities while the silver/gold is in the fire and everything is on top, then he loses the chance and they'll go back into the metal hidden away. Only to come back to the surface when in the fire. The point is, we as Christians go through trials in order for God to scrape some of our impurities off (i.e. we didn't learn from the trail), then we'll have to go through it again, eventually.
The very first part of my labor was not the way I wanted (my water broke without having contractions). There have been parts along the way with the delivery and after birth that have not gone the way I wanted. And it continues to go this way? Why... because I haven't surrendered my will to His. I still hold on to my expectations in life and what I think should happen...instead of completely trusting in Him. If I trusted that God would provide me ways to make sure the baby was healthy, then it wouldn't matter if I exclusively breastfed, couldn't pump anything out, gave him formula with a cup or a bottle, because my ONLY focus would be on a healthy baby. If I was truly surrendered to Him...then a lot of my life would be a lot easier...