17 November 2009

Funny thing about being human...

We really suck. :/

Haha.

I was very upset. Marcus came home today from work, and said that my face looked swollen. He wanted me to call the physician's line (which wasn't much help anyway). I'm scared to go in tomorrow. What if they try to cut me open again, what if something is wrong. I cannot handle any more pain.

This made me upset. A lot. I got cranky at everyone (Marcus and mom). And then I got cranky at God. I didn't understand. I have great faith. I am supposed to be healed. I was upset. I was scared. Satan had me in his grips...

Michelle tried to pick me up, but I told her to go on without me. I wasn't ready. I needed to eat and take my meds. I was upset. I didn't want to go...

But Marcus drove me me to prayer. I didn't want to go. But I was glad he was taking me. I was glad he was going with me. We got inside, enough to hear Mackey talk about a chapter in Exodus... all I remember is that we should always be in his presence.

Then we broke into groups for prayer, Marcus said he'd take the baby while I went with the girls. We sat down, and Mack said we should start with praise and thanksgiving. I started bawling. I knew. I knew that God was good. That He is faithful even when I'm faithless (2 Tim 2:13). I was reminded of how GOOD He is (Ps 136:1). I was so broken.

Throughout worship, I was reminded- I asked God to use me. And no matter what, He will sustain me. He will carry me. (Isa 46:4). A month before my surgery I broke down during prayer/worship night. I was scared to death of the surgery. I was scared to death of the pain from recovery. I didn't think I could do it. I begged God to let the cup pass from me, but ultimately I prayed, "Not MY will, but YOURS be done." And here I was...2 months later, backing out of my deal.

So here I was, broken at his feet, again...singing:

Casting Crowns-Praise You in This Storm
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Along with "It is well..." and I was reminded... it is well, with my soul. Because God is in control.

Amen!

No comments: