16 November 2009

I was going to bed... discouraged in my pit

But then... I did my journaling. And there were scriptures from last night that I wanted to look up. So I started looking them up (they were additional scriptures from the passage in Daniel when the three men were going to be thrown in the furnace and they said,"we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Dan 3:16b-18). This passage is so encouraging to me because they know God has the power to save them, but then they say, "BUT EVEN IF HE DOES NOT..." meaning... they trusted in God's plan and knew that sometimes God doesn't do what we think he should...

Anyway, that's not why I got back online to share with you. I wanted to say this.

My doc appt didn't go as I thought it would. First, Dr. Closmann is super sick, so he wasn't in this morning. No biggie, still sad to not see him. Then Dr. Elyassi tells me that I'm still swollen, and that is not a good thing. It could be an infection, or something about an infection. I don't quite remember, I was still thinking, "what, this isn't normal? dangit." So they extended my antibiotics another 10 days. He also said that we're likely to extend my convalescent leave. Another stresser. Why? because I care too much about what other people think. Isn't that horrible? I care more about being at work with undermanning and everything than I do about me getting better. Hmmph. I needed a good talking to this afternoon, thankfully someone straightened me out a little with a humorous email.

There was also talk about not working night shift for the next few months. Why, I have no idea. My next appointment is Monday 30 Nov at 0930, and we had discussed that my convalescent leave is over 26 Nov (thanksgiving day), but because of shift work and all, I was due to return to work on 30 Nov. He said that I needed to let my boss know that I had an appt and we'd be reevaluating it at that time. I mentioned something like, "Hmm appt at 0930 and I work night shift that night, so I gotta be at work at 1545...." and he was like, "No. No night shift.... how long do you work nights for?" UGH. I tried to tell him about our work schedule, panama 12hrs. 60hrs one week, 24hrs the next, and we change from nights to days appx every 2months. Needless to say I was not looking forward to writing that email to my boss.

Honestly, do I feel 100%? Nope not at all. Do I think I can work 5-12hr shifts? Nope, not at all. The pain, the talking, the focusing, no napping, the driving to and from work. Not a likely story, at least right now. Could I be 100times better in 2 weeks when the time comes, quite possibly. I'd like to think so.

Needless to say, I wasn't very encouraged walking out of my appointment. I stressed all day about what work would be doing (if I have to work day shift instead of nights with my team, then they have to "trade" someone for me to cover my position on my team while I'm added to another team. Or, weirder yet, if I work 5 days/week 8hr days... that'll really mess up people so I have no idea what the doc is thinking about doing. I took a nap this afternoon, and I'm amazed how much that helps me. I need to learn the power of healing in sleep.

That's why I wasn't feeling very encouraged tonight going to bed. Until I started reading...

First I read, "Our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." Ps 124:8
-This reminded me how powerful the name of our God is. Just the name of Jesus.

Then, "...blessed is he who trusts in the Lord." Prov 16:28
-To be blessed, all I have to do, is TRUST in HIM.

Then, "Listen to ME, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried you since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs, I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you, AND I will carry you; I willsustain you and I will rescue you." Isa 46:3-4
-I couldn't help but chuckle a little. Because He really got my attention- "Listen to me..." stop letting all this worry and doubt and anxiety pile over you... LISTEN TO ME. Then he goes on to say that ever since the beginning, He has upheld me. He has carried me since my birth. And even when I am old, He will STILL sustain me. He will STILL carry me, and He will RESCUE me.

Then, "...what I have said, that will I bring about..." Isa 46:11b
-The Bible is God's Word. It is what He has said. And what He has said, He will bring about. His promises are true.

Then, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, SO THAT you will not grow weary and lose heart." Heb 12:1-3
-These are very powerful and are super loaded. But I will try to focus on what encouraged me the most tonight--first I needed to throw off everything that was hindering me-this worry, and anxiety, and frustration...it needed to go. Then I needed to run (requires energy) and persevere- outlast this suffering. How am I going to do that, by FIXING my eyes on JESUS (not looking around at everything else). He alone is the author (writer) and perfecter of MY faith. Because He knew the joy of being seated at the right hand of the Father (the joy set before him), be endured the cross (how excruciating that was!) and I too must endure this pain...I must consider HIM (think about what he went through) in order for me to NOT grow weary...that is the only way to not grow weary and lose heart-by focusing on HIM.

And I looked up my favorite verse, "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph 3:17
-This one gets me everything. The Lord-MY God is WITH ME...He is mighty to save... just saying that phrase is reassuring. He can save me from anything. He is mighty. His arms...are safe. He delights in me. In my pain and suffering, in my cries and tears, he quiets me with his love. He rejoices over me...

Be encouraged. Take heart. Our God is big and mighty. He is alive. He has never changed and will always remain the same. The Maker of heaven and earth. Alpha and Omega. Beginning and End. Provider. Sustainer. Savior. Redeemer. Friend. Abba Daddy. Discipliner. Lover of my soul. Shepherd...

Do you know Him?

No comments: