15 November 2009

I will remember...

Why are you downcast, o my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore, I will remember YOU. Ps 42:5-6

Sherri texted me Psalm 42 a while ago, I think when I was going through that first rough week after surgery, and I read it last night. I feel like it is important right now, because I'm at a stage in recovery where there is no real leaps and bounds. My scar is still there and sensitive and doesn't really look that great. I still have loss of feeling in bottom right lip and right side of chin, so I dribble food all the time (altho I'm starting to learn to keep whatever I'm eating right under me to catch it-sometimes I still hit the ground, or my shirt--now I need to remember to wipe after every bite). One of the hardest things to accept right now is the fact that I slur my words, and it's especially noticable when I'm smiling and trying to talk (with or without rubber bands).

I didn't realize I was so vain. I'm self-conscious about smiling with my "braces" and the fact that my smile looks funny, open or closed mouth.

So I have to remember. Remember how far God has brought me to this point. This Tuesday will have been 3 weeks. The swelling is practically gone, I can eat pureed soups without it being super liquidy (something I was looking forward to when wired shut, being able to eat pureed foods without having to worry about it "clogging up" my teeth and all). Three whole weeks. And here I am living on ibprofuen and tylenol, only taking oxycodon in the evenings, because there is something about nighttime pain. I still have pain and weird sensations but I try to remind myself that pain is good. It means feeling is returning, and feeling, is good.

So I remember that God is good regardless of my situation. That he refines me (Ps 66:10) and desires to build my character (Rom 5:3-5). I need to make sure I'm listening, and learning. Because I don't want to go through this again. It's true, the doctors say I'll need another surgery in 3-4 months in order to do a bone graft (from my hip) for the bone to grow, connecting the top and bottom part of my jaw while incorporating the titanium bar into my body FOR.....EV....ER (lol-Sandlot, couldn't help it!). However, I know that the God that brought back Lazarus from the dead (John 11:43-44) is the same God that I worship today. I know that he can heal me, and my jawbone can grow back on its own (something the docs have already said is "impossible" and they'd "like to see it happen"). I believe that there will be no second surgery. However, I do know that sometimes we go through trials and we do not learn what we're supposed to, and we will go through another trial in order to learn what we were meant to learn the first time... so if I do not learn what I'm meant to now... then there is no choice but to go through it again. I'm praying that I learn what I need now. In the end, it doesn't matter one way or another. It is not my will that matters, but His. I've asked for this cup to pass from me, and it didn't (Luke 22:42). I surrendered to Him to be used for His will, and so far... I have seen the work he has done through me to bless others. That is far better than not being able to see anything at all.

Do I want the second surgery? Nope not at all. The "vacation" from work isn't worth the pain and emotional lows that happen during recovery. But if it brings me closer to God-then it's worth it. If someone is encouraged by it, then it's worth it. If someone acknowledges the fact that we all have sinned
(Rom 3:23) but God wants to save us from an eternity of death (John 3:16)...then it's soo worth it. All I'm here to do is to love Jesus and love others-that means you. And how could I love you and not tell you that if you do not know Jesus... then you're heading to a very very unhappy place. I could not wish hell even on my enemy, let alone people I love.

So I remember. That I am a servant of the most high God (Dan 3:26) and my God is worthy of praise (Ps 145:3).

1 comment:

littlemissnoname said...

I am completely humbled and encouraged by your experience. Thank you for being courageous. Thank you for sharing. I love you my dear friend.