20 November 2009

Wow....

You know, I'm not sure if you remember (you, like whomever reads this, and then backreads it to "catch up" lol)...but Wax (& Aaron) prayed for me the Sunday before my surgery, and Wax specifically prayed that I would have the peace of God (Phil 4:4-7) as I went into surgery and wouldn't be anxious. And that everyone around me (medical/anesthesiologist) would notice.

I was talking to hubs this evening. During the closing part of worship, I was thinking about what he said to me one night, "did God give you confirmation about your healing..." and of course I was upset. But it got me thinking....this whole time, of course I've asked God for healing, and all that jazz, but I haven't had any confirmation that my healing would come in a "miracle" sort of thing. Again, I was reminded about asking the cup to pass from me, but not my will but His be done (Luke 22:42), and that yes I was scared about the possibility of my second surgery, but regardless, God said he will carry me, he will sustain me (Isa 46:4). I cried. I cried all over again because I was scared of the healing. And a small part of me... (either Satan pushing in doubt, or really God) saying, I needed to go through with the second surgery. Because I needed to show them how powerful my God was. Not because he healed me miraculously, but because he SUSTAINED me through it all.

Of course this revelation during worship is not exciting, I mean, exciting to think of being used by God in a powerful way, but not exciting when you think of the pain. Back to conversation in the car with hubs...I told him about what I thought God was telling me, and I started to tear up when I mentioned how much I knew it would hurt-because it was the second time around--because I'd already been through it twice. But then I also told him that at least I knew what to expect. I could prepare for it. I tell everyone that first week is hard. Fighting off depression, trying to still believe in God and his love when you're in so much pain...

And then, for some reason--I brought up the anesthesia. I told him I don't remember going to sleep. [I mean... I remember beforehand, me in the bed, waiting for them to come. I had such butterflies. At first I was ok, and then you're just waiting there... for them to come... and my back was hurting (lower back), and I was tired from working on my test earlier that morning, and I wanted to sleep already... I just wanted to be "under" already. I remember telling Marcus that I really needed to hold on to God's peace because I was feeling so anxious.] Right, back to the story line. The hubs told me... that everyone was around me and they said, "Say goodbye" and I just kinda mumbled then passed out--you know all attractive with your eyes rolled back. LOL. Then he said that everyone around me was so amazed how calm I was. PRAISE GOD!

Wax's prayer came true. God gave me peace (even when I felt restless), and HIS glory was made evident. Only because of HIM was I able to give off this "calm" feeling, because I had to fight for it. I fought for the peace, but it worked. Amen!!

....we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corin 10:5b

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