08 February 2010

March 30...

The next big day.

Where there will be two teams of surgeons, going in to add bone to my titanium bar (which really, looks like a bike chain). Met with Dr. Closmann today, and we did a full panel xray (I got a copy, and will try to somehow post to the net... it's a hard copy of an xray...)anyway. He muttered. Well first he said I looked good. Looked like I lost weight (nope), swelling down, looking pretty normal. Neck scar is healing well... then we did the xray.

He looked at it. And muttered. Mumbled..."Big..."

There is a large gap of no bone. So large, that he's 50% sure that it will require taking bone from both sides of my hip (the front side-important to note, because potentially they could take bone from the back side) and will not be able to do the graft with one piece. I pressed to get a surgery date. I don't like being in limbo. Also, my PCS date is lingering in front of me now (it is NOW 2010...the year I PCS). We talked about complications of this surgery, bone graft rejection, and having to go in and get bone from another place (he suggested the front side of my shin--I forgot the name of the bone...I requested doing the back side of my hip instead). I wanted to cry as he was talking to me about it. I mean, really. I know this ISN'T cancer. This ISN'T life threatening.... but-- it's still a big deal to me.

The pain. Going through another surgery, with the pain of recovery, and numbness and swelling, AND pain on my hip. I asked if they could do a little tummy tuck while they were there, I mean, already around my midsection. He kind of laughed. I just...

This requires a lot of faith. Or maybe really only enough faith the size of a mustard seed. Enough faith for me to ACT on it. Act on knowing my God is bigger than this whole situation. Bigger than this huge surgery that is required. Bigger than my fear, my uncertainty, my pain.

Just a little bit of Faith... to not lose focus.

1 comment:

sherri said...

I love reading your blogs because you are a female version of David. He's super honest with God when he's bummed out or discouraged and he let's God know. But he usually ends his psalms praising God and remembering that He is in charge. He is your fortress and strong tower, He is the wing under which you take refuge, He is your Abba who you cry out too, and He is the lap that you crawl into. Keep the faith going brenda. luv you much.