14 August 2010


Today I went to spin class. For the first time in about two years I'd say. I used to go a lot, when I was in my "pre-pregnancy weight loss" kick... then I got preggo and morning sickness. Then I got non-cancerous jaw bone eating tumor...

Needless to say, I wanted to chicken out. I was thinking, "I could just stay at work, I mean, I am sure I have lots of things to do..." but I had already asked if I could go (and have a little bit extra time, cause 90 min is a little tight when attending a 60 min class that you have to get there 10 min early to make sure you get a bike...and you gotta change out of your uniform before then).

But I wanted to go. So I did.

I told her I was a newbie, and she helped me set up my bike. It felt weird to not have my clip-ins (I think I need new ones, my feet practically stayed same pregnancy larger size)... and I kept thinking to myself, "Don't push too hard, your muscles are weak, they need to build up, last thing you want is to be dying walking around cause your hip hurts too much..."

So I ignored her a couple times when she told us to up the gear...and I pushed. And I pushed... and then at one point, I found myself fighting tears. I don't know why really. I cannot say. I think they were tears of joy, because this was the first time I had really been able to push. And this was the first time, I almost felt normal. I shed a couple, I doubt anyone noticed a couple tears on my cherry red face, and I wiped them off with the sweat...

But I remembered- You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. (Psalm 18:28-29)

Today, my God helped me scale a wall...

10 August 2010

30 days...

I'm not sure if a lot has happened in the last 30 days... but apparently something has cause I haven't updated in that long.

A long time, a short time, all in perspective.

Many times I've thought of a fb update, or a way I could start a blog. I've thought of things I could write about, complain about, share my struggles... and then I always find something else to do.

But someone told me on Saturday, "I stumbled across your blog, personal, ...I didn't realize you were going through so much..."

And then today someone mentioned, "You have to get braces?!?" and I tried to swallow this journey. This loong journey, that has been over a year now (15 months at least), and then it hit me.

I don't want to go through all of this, and MISS IT. You know, what God is trying to show me. I'm so focused on the circumstance, on wanting it to be over, that I'm not focusing on Him and what He is trying to show me. Now I know this has come up before, but 15 months later... have I grown at all? Seriously... have I? It scares me to think...

But, my prayer is to stay focused through the rest of the time. This has been a long journey and it's not ending anytime soon. Although the potential for another surgery (to break jaw to realign bite) might not be happening any time soon, it's still there. Braces come on mid-Sep and thus begins a different kind of journey. And if it's not fixed by Aug '11 (when we're due to PCS), well... then we press. Talking with my original dentist from Hickam dental, I've realized my next assignment is not so much about where I want to go or what I want to do, but about where a good oral surgeon is (potential to get to Jul '11 and them realize braces won't cut it, and we'll need surgery). We'll see what the list is when it comes out, but I'm confident in this, God will provide. He's a big God.