10 February 2011

not so easy...

You would think after two oral surgeries the third would be easy. But instead I find myself immensely emotional about this surgery. So much of me *of course* wants this to be healed. To be able to eat without pain, even to have teeth on the right side, but even more to not have this constant jaw pain on the left side from overuse/misalignment that gets worse every day.

But recently, it's overwhelming sometimes. To think, of the painful recovery road just from another hip graft. To think that my last graft was almost a YEAR ago, and I am still not 100% on my right side. Then I get to throw in potentially two extra incisions being made, and being wired shut for 6 weeks (for reals this time, not like the first one where we thought so, then they cut me free after 2). SIX weeks. 42 days. More than 40 days in the desert.

Most people freak out about surgery because of anesthesia, "what if I don't wake up?" BAH HUMBUG. Who cares if you don't wake up, HEAVEN. JESUS. That would be the best thing that could happen to me.

But it's the waking up part that sucks. Waking up from surgery is interesting. The first one was so long that I was very groggy, I remember waking up very thirsty, unable to communicate to my nurse, and going back to sleep. Then trying again, and this time she used a straw to dapple water onto my parched lips and through my wired teeth. The second time, I distinctly waking up thinking, "Thank you God they did not take bones from both hips." The pain on the right side was excruciating, to think that it could have been both sides at once, I was very grateful to only have one side grafted.

This time. This time is different. Similar to each one prior, but it's own beast. First, to remove the bar that is currently in (without cutting my old scar completely open), will require an incision on the top right side of my face, to remove the screws that are up there. Then, to break my lower jaw on both sides, requires an incision on the inside of my mouth on the left side. Then another bone graft, from the left hip.

I try to hold on to these lyrics by Rita Springer: Worth it All

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this

But it's still hard to hold on to. Is it? Is it worth it?

It's gotta be. My mouth gets worse every day... I guess it has to get worse before it gets better.

I think about what people say when they go through suffering, "When I walk through the valley of the shadow of death," the Psalmist doesn't write, "IF" I walk through, he knows it'll happen. He doesn't write, "walk into the valley" because he KNOWS it will end. He KNOWS he will walk THROUGH it. Some people have an option to quit trials and beg God to get them out of it. I feel like I don't have a choice in this matter. Because the date is set, I want to get better. I need to get better (for my sanity).

There is no IF for me. February 22 is WHEN. I will get THROUGH surgery, whether it's 4 hours or 6 hours or longer.

but... will I still praise Him? do I still trust that he will restore my soul? do I fear no evil? do I believe that he will anoint my head with oil and my cup will overflow?

i don't know.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

I will pray for you. I can't imagine going through what you are, you are truly amazing for handling it with God... I love you.