21 November 2011

Ahh... it's almost like a real home!

I'm so grateful today our household goods came. I mean, they've been *here* for about two weeks, but we couldn't actually have them delivered until today. And PRAISE GOD for our stuff!

At first I was amazed at ALL the stuff we had (it kept coming out), but when I think about it... we only had a little less than 6,000lbs (which was quite less than our amount we were allotted by the military)...then I was overwhelmed thinking of where we were going to put everything! I didn't realize how much kitchen stuff we had...but I'm just glad our stuff is here.

I didn't realize how nice it is to sit on your couch, and even Zeke enjoys having his toys back :D We'll see how he likes sleeping in his own room tomorrow :P

We started the process with USAA today. I'm grateful to be covered under them, and the insurance policy we have right now-it takes care of everything. They towed the truck from our house because I didn't feel comfortable enough driving it to the auto shop, and they pay $30/day up to $900 for a rental car while the truck is being taken care of. Seriously, a huge blessing. So that's what was taken care of today.

As well as my referral to Vanderbilt today! I got the letter in the mail from Tricare saying my referral was "blessed" and I was good to go to be seen by them. There was some mixup regarding the phone number, and if the referral covered everything, but after talking with the receptionist at Oral Surgery at Ft Campbell, and the referral office...I'm good to go. Made a phone call and am waiting for the scheduling person to call me so I can have my initial appt with them.

We didn't get to paint stuff like I wanted to for the house before our stuff came in (all the doors and edging used to be a darker color, but the previous tenants covered it in white... but they didn't put enough coats on...so it bugs me). But perhaps we'll have some extra cash in December (ha! That's like an oxymoron right!?) to get some painting stuff to do a little bit at a time...

For now, peace out.

18 November 2011

You never know...

I admit that recently I've had a lot of fears about driving in the mainland. Well, I've always had this thing about getting into car accidents... and don't get me wrong, that's totally unBiblical. Throughout the Bible God calls us to cast our fear on Him (1 Pet 5:7), to fear no evil (Ps 23:4)...

So today I was thinking, "If I got into an accident, and had to have surgery, would they do my jaw surgery at the same time? Man that'd be great. Probably not though, because they'd have to get consent, and I can't even figure out if I want my bone, cadaver bone or BMP." A few minutes later I was crossing two lanes of oncoming trying to get into the turning lane...but apparently I didn't see the car coming in the second lane, because as I tried to turn my truck, I saw a vehicle speeding towards me. I froze. But not really. Because in a split second my first thought was to speed up and hurry getting into the middle lane, but I couldn't confidently say that I could put my foot harder on the gas and steer the truck into the turning lane without hitting someone else. So I took my foot off the pedal and I braced for impact, trying to turn my body away from the driver side door, because I was about to get Tboned.

Thankfully, the young man heading straight for me, veered to his right, causing him to hit the back of the truck and spin me a little.

I called Marcus to tell him I had been in an accident, some people stopped by the side of the road to ask if I was okay... someone stopped to call the police, and this older man swore that the kid was speeding...

I was so shook up. If he hadn't veered, I wouldn't be walking out of the accident.

The truck definitely took a beating. The wheel is bus up (it wobbles), the alignment is gonna be all off..the bumper is torqued and bent up...it's quite the sight. I'm grateful I was in the truck and not the matrix. I'm grateful I wasn't in the matrix driving the kid home, because this story would not have ended nearly as well as it is now.

So I end the night, sore but grateful. Shook up, but blessed. And ultimately reminded, it's all in His hands.

Fear you not; for I am with you; be not dismayed; for I am your God: I will strengthen you; yes, I will help you, yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10

I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and he delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. Psalm 59:16

10 November 2011


I finally had an appointment with an Army Doc yesterday. I fought hard to get this appointment, and it was even with an oral surgeon-it was with a periodontist. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she's a great person and an amazing doctor, but seriously, I spent the last 2 years in the care of oral surgeons, and now I get a periodontist. Ok. Fine. Whatever.

I get in there, with all my questions, and she said, "I think I'm going to refer you to oral surgery. I have this scan here, and that's a large defect. You should continue your treatment with them." *sigh* Thankfully, even though the oral surgeon was in a surgery, his assistant said he should be out in about 30-45 minutes, and she asked if I could wait. OF COURSE I'll wait.

The doc started off asking a question about my surgery, and I said, "Which one? There's been three." At that point he told me to just go ahead and tell him the history. So I did.

Then we got to the point where he looked at my xray, and said, "That's a large defect, we'll have to do a bone graft, probably from your hip since it's such a large area."

I have to say, I was not very encouraged. I mean, I knew that I needed to have another bone graft, but in my head, I was doing the Dr. Closmann way, where you know.. you just go in there and do a graft. Not seriously considering the issues of it. But to hear the meekness in the doctor's voice, and to hear him say, "large defect," just wasn't very comforting you know?

I tried to make my point very clear. I was not for having another hip graft. My last one was in Mar '10 and it took a year to get to a point of being able to run without pain. A little more than a year. I'm stationed with the Army now, and although I'm not going to go try Airborne school or anything like that... I would still like to FUNCTION and deploy. So I told him in order of ranking, I prefer cadaver bone, BMP (bone morphogenic protein), and then the hip graft. Or at least the BMP and hip graft were a close second. BMP is questionable right now, it's not been tested on women who have had kids afterwards. They say you can't get pregnant the first year after having it put in, but after that... no one has tried it really. Or at least published it. Rabbits who had kids the first year of a graft, had fetuses with bone abnormalities...

The doc mentioned going down to Vanderbilt University, which is about an hour away from here. At first I had no preference, I just want to get taken care of. Then he asked if I was opposed to having another incision on the outside of my neck, again-whatever. I just don't want staples again.

Needless to say, I left the appointment frustrated. The doctor really wanted to do a hip graft, I really didn't want to. And he didn't seem very confident in his ability to do my case, when I asked him how many ameloblastoma patients he had, he's had none in the last four years. :/

Plus side, he gave me some more flexiril as I was about to run out of mine from Hawaii. He said he'd call me in about 5days.

Marcus met me at the clinic and we talked in the car. I cried. I didn't know if I could go through with this... AGAIN. I didn't know what to do. I felt so against the hip graft, what if that was the only option. I didn't know what to choose.

The more I thought about it, I didn't know. Would our God ask me to voluntarily say yes to more pain? Why would I have to go through this, again? When would it ever end?

Some things popped into my head. Not sure if it's God or not... but these were the thoughts.

Why? Why so much all over again.

-Job went his whole life NOT knowing why all those bad things happened to him. He didn't know how much God loved his heart and his commitment. Job never got to read the first two chapters of Job during his lifetime.

Fine. I don't need to know why. But seriously...


A song came on while I was driving home, "no matter what's in front of me, still I will sing hallelujah."

Can I still sing hallelujah (praise God) knowing what is ahead of me? Potentially another hip graft? One that takes a long time to heal?


I don't want a hip graft, the pain-even though other people heal fine, I did not...

-Let Me show you good I can be.

I tried to believe how good You could be. The first time I believed in a miracle, that I would be healed... and then the second time...and third- but where were You? Where was that miracle? There was none.


During worship at church... a song came on that reminded me of home (Hawaii).

"At the cross you, beckon me. Bring me humbly, to my knees...and I am, lost for words so, lost in love. I'm sweetly broken-wholly surrendered..."

I dropped to my knees and cried.

Would You really ask me to walk through the fire with You?

-What about Shadrach, Mechak, and Abednigo?

(remembering a song from Shane & Shane..."Burn us up" They say, "You are able to deliver from the fire of affliction, it's the declaration of my Lord...but even if You don't..."

I don’t know what to do. I got a call back from the doctor, he’s going to refer me to Vanderbilt, so for sure I’ll be getting treatment down there. Now I just wait for them to call me so I can schedule an appointment. The plus side is it’s supposed to be a really awesome medical treatment place…so I can’t really complain. It’ll tack on two hours to my drive to my appointments (there and back), but- it should be good.

The scary thing is, what if they’re willing to give me BMP. Then what? What do I choose? If they seriously give me the choice- hip graft, cadaver bone, BMP—which one do I go with? It will take serious prayer and seeking the Lord in this matter. Each one has its own pros and cons… each one requires faith.

Hip Graft

+ Most likely to be accepted by the body

- Another area of major pain and healing

Cadaver Bone

+ No second surgical site that requires healing

- Not as high a chance of acceptance from the body for grafting


+ No second surgical site

+ Quick healing and regeneration of bone

- No studies on how it affects women who have had children after surgery (within or after the first year)