28 January 2012

Answered Prayers

I posted this as my FB status Friday I think...
I really want to thank all of you for your prayers. God has totally answered them and given me an absolute peace about the surgery being postponed. As I was reminded today during my quiet time..."Jesus tells us not to worry about any of these things. Look again & think, keep your mind on the 'much more' of the heavenly Father." (my utmost for his highest) then again in Prov 27:1 commentary by Chuck Smith, "Don't be all worried or concerned about tomorrow, or don't boast about tomorrow...you don't know what God has in store for you..."

I was super convicted about the worrying, the anger, the planning I had done without God.

So I thought I'd share this with you...in case you don't have FB or something. :D

24 January 2012

Let's be real...

Moving is hard. Leaving a church family that you've known since its beginning, is hard. Missing Momentum nights and screaming your heart out worship is hard. Having someone who knows your background, your struggles, you...and then only really talking to them through texting... is hard. Realizing that you might have gotten mad at people for not "caring enough" about your birthday then and that now no one will really care AT ALL about your birthday because you do not have one *really* close friend.... SUCKS. It's that whole, you don't know what you have until it's gone.

What else is hard... surgery. Knowing you've had something like this before, and it totally sucked. Then knowing that they're gonna put something relatively experimental and it causes massive swelling (as if I didn't swell up enough in all my other surgeries) kinda is not fun either. Knowing you're gonna wake up from surgery not able to move your other leg...fantastic. (not).

We're having a worship night tomorrow night at our church. EVERY ounce of me wants it to be like momentum, lights out, loud music, people with their arms raised, on their knees, SCREAMING to the God of most high... and yet a small person in me just shakes its head and says, "don't have such high hopes."

I think what might suck the most... is everything is so different this time. Different surgeons, different hospital, different "friends" (more or less) trying to be there to help you. But these people don't know. They may or may not care. I have to walk into a church Sunday morning, all swollen, and only a handful of people will know what happened to me. And everyone else will just try not to stare... There's nothing in me that even wants to go to church Sunday after surgery.

I think what made me think of all this, was a few events this past week... someone had a birthday gathering on Sunday- I thought perhaps we were "friends" or something with said person-nope. Not invited. Another person had a surprise baby shower for them...nope not invited to that either. Someone else had another birthday...nope. Not there either. These people, that I thought I had a relationship with... not there. Not really there at all.

There is perhaps one person, that I think truly desires to love on me...and she. Is a gem. I probably don't dump enough of my issues on her... but. I dunno. I should probably call her to hang out more than I have. I just... she has three daughters. I'm not used to being super close to other moms. All my other friends were single, or married without kids... I dunno. I like my friends to be all about me... I guess. Super selfish, I know. :/

Yup, I think the hardest part, is going through this surgery without my Refresh ohana. Just thinking about it again... brings those tears streaming down my face (again). No young adults to write scripture on index cards for my wall, no Tricia or Angie to bring me flowers, no Natasha to read to me after she gets off work, no Sherri to bring me soup, no Marilyn to make that delicious soup that is sooo smooth and can be sipped through my teeth, no Michelle to text me scripture...

LORD... please be enough. PLEASE. cause right now... I just don't know.

14 January 2012

Surgery #4

Well folks, it's that time again... to prep for surgery. I had an appt on Tuesday and after much internal debate, prayer, broken worship, I submitted my body to the surgeons. I told them they could cut a chunk of hip out (which I was so adamantly against earlier). We went over my CT scans...

This is a scan that shows my titanium bars that are in my mouth right now. You can see that my grafted bone has dissolved and my larger bar is no longer even screwed into any bone, it's just sitting underneath it. You can also see that my right side is mishaped and sinks in more than the left side. You can also see that where they cut my bar in the last surgery, sticks out... which makes me feel better. There were days I literally felt like my bar was going to stick through my skin... now I know why. Thankfully, the doctors will be removing both bars.
In this picture (the doc drew over to show what he wants to do), but beyond the ink marks, you can see the red and blue bone. The red bone is my grafted bone, and where they meet there is a fracture. Yup, I'm walking around with a fractured jaw.

Their procedure is this: cut on both sides of the fracture to give a clean break, then add a chunk of hip into that hole, use that piece of hip to help lift up my soft tissue, and then stuff the sides with the BMP. Yup, my doc is gonna use the controversial BMP.

Side effects: Pain in the left hip, wired shut for at least 3 weeks, soft foods/no chew diet for 2 months afterwards.

Waiting for a surgery date, either 25 Jan or 1 Feb. Hoping to know on Tuesday. I'll keep ya'll updated... (ah*hem, Natasha).