24 January 2012

Let's be real...

Moving is hard. Leaving a church family that you've known since its beginning, is hard. Missing Momentum nights and screaming your heart out worship is hard. Having someone who knows your background, your struggles, you...and then only really talking to them through texting... is hard. Realizing that you might have gotten mad at people for not "caring enough" about your birthday then and that now no one will really care AT ALL about your birthday because you do not have one *really* close friend.... SUCKS. It's that whole, you don't know what you have until it's gone.

What else is hard... surgery. Knowing you've had something like this before, and it totally sucked. Then knowing that they're gonna put something relatively experimental and it causes massive swelling (as if I didn't swell up enough in all my other surgeries) kinda is not fun either. Knowing you're gonna wake up from surgery not able to move your other leg...fantastic. (not).

We're having a worship night tomorrow night at our church. EVERY ounce of me wants it to be like momentum, lights out, loud music, people with their arms raised, on their knees, SCREAMING to the God of most high... and yet a small person in me just shakes its head and says, "don't have such high hopes."

I think what might suck the most... is everything is so different this time. Different surgeons, different hospital, different "friends" (more or less) trying to be there to help you. But these people don't know. They may or may not care. I have to walk into a church Sunday morning, all swollen, and only a handful of people will know what happened to me. And everyone else will just try not to stare... There's nothing in me that even wants to go to church Sunday after surgery.

I think what made me think of all this, was a few events this past week... someone had a birthday gathering on Sunday- I thought perhaps we were "friends" or something with said person-nope. Not invited. Another person had a surprise baby shower for them...nope not invited to that either. Someone else had another birthday...nope. Not there either. These people, that I thought I had a relationship with... not there. Not really there at all.

There is perhaps one person, that I think truly desires to love on me...and she. Is a gem. I probably don't dump enough of my issues on her... but. I dunno. I should probably call her to hang out more than I have. I just... she has three daughters. I'm not used to being super close to other moms. All my other friends were single, or married without kids... I dunno. I like my friends to be all about me... I guess. Super selfish, I know. :/

Yup, I think the hardest part, is going through this surgery without my Refresh ohana. Just thinking about it again... brings those tears streaming down my face (again). No young adults to write scripture on index cards for my wall, no Tricia or Angie to bring me flowers, no Natasha to read to me after she gets off work, no Sherri to bring me soup, no Marilyn to make that delicious soup that is sooo smooth and can be sipped through my teeth, no Michelle to text me scripture...

LORD... please be enough. PLEASE. cause right now... I just don't know.

1 comment:

Kimberly Shigeoka said...

I know. Everything is going to work out. You'll make it work out. Be strong lady. (And call me whenevs to just chat/gripe/yell/holler/cry, you know whatevs)