We had our two week checkup last Friday, and despite being on the boob all the time (as it felt), she had actually *lost* weight since her weigh check a few days earlier on Monday. Yeah, a big sucker punch to the stomach since she had steadied her weight the previous Wed (3/5) to Thurs (3/6) to that Monday (3/10). We thought we were on the upswing of things. I knew I had milk, she was pooping... sure she had a few crazy fits that perhaps seemed to get worse as time went on... but...
So here we are again. We were
After all that fiasco... you can imagine my devastation when on Friday, after what seemed like an almost entire week of successful breastfeeding... turned out to be null and void. The doctor had no reason for her weight loss. She was peeing and pooping, her mouth was hydrated, she seemed like a healthy baby, other than the weight loss. She was down to 7lb 1oz (3.2 kg) from her earlier weight in of 7lb 4oz (3.3kg). My dream of having an exclusively breastfed (EBF) baby was disappearing before my eyes.
It leaves me here, at 0127, pumping after Hannah took both sides and threw herself off, although still hungry (still rooting around, sucking on random things-classic hunger signs)...and yet NOT latching on the boob. Even though I know there's milk there, because I can squeeze it out. And if she latched for even a little bit, I could help by squeezing some out while she sucked. So Marcus uses his pinkie, and that blasted feeding tube, and gave her 30ml of formula. After three-four pumpings, I barely collect 30ml... and he gives her that.
The pumping is supposed to be twofold- gives us breastmilk to give Hannah, and encourages my body to make more. I don't know how that "more" part is working out... it sure doesn't feel like it.
In the midst of it all, I don't want to miss the glory of this newborn. The beauty of another child. The gift of life. I don't want to get so caught up in breast milk, formula, breast feeding... that I look back and only remember hurt and anger and frustration. It has created another faith crisis in me... but I am trying so hard to desperately trust God, seek His plan, and remember that He is in control.