17 March 2014

Well Then...

In the last post I mentioned getting breastfeeding under control... that was apparently a lie.

We had our two week checkup last Friday, and despite being on the boob all the time (as it felt), she had actually *lost* weight since her weigh check a few days earlier on Monday. Yeah, a big sucker punch to the stomach since she had steadied her weight the previous Wed (3/5) to Thurs (3/6) to that Monday (3/10). We thought we were on the upswing of things. I knew I had milk, she was pooping... sure she had a few crazy fits that perhaps seemed to get worse as time went on... but...

So here we are again. We were encouraged told to supplement at least an ounce (30ml) after each breast feeding. Either using formula or breastmilk that I had pumped. Well, let me tell you, I can't exactly pump out an ounce combined from both breasts after a feeding... and if we're supposed to supplement an ounce after every feeding, then it adds up she gets formula. After reading a few *hippie* blogs, I had already chosen a formula I wanted to use, and we picked it up from Whole Foods at the beginning of this feeding fiasco (when we were told to supplement then (3/5). We stopped supplementing after Saturday (3/8) evening's visit from Janis, a local lactation lady that does house calls. She encouraged me, changed our position and latch, and told me I was making enough milk. She said if I kept baby skin to skin (BFing topless), stayed in bed, chilled out... I would definitely make enough milk, and she expected her weight to be up by her weight check on Monday (3/10). I called her after the appt, she was happy her weight was down, I was encouraged to keep doing what I was doing. I nearly threw away the feeding tube we had been using to supplement with the syringe while BFing. Hannah had started to catch on to my sheenanigans... and didn't like it.

After all that fiasco... you can imagine my devastation when on Friday, after what seemed like an almost entire week of successful breastfeeding... turned out to be null and void. The doctor had no reason for her weight loss. She was peeing and pooping, her mouth was hydrated, she seemed like a healthy baby, other than the weight loss. She was down to 7lb 1oz (3.2 kg) from her earlier weight in of 7lb 4oz (3.3kg). My dream of having an exclusively breastfed (EBF) baby was disappearing before my eyes.

It leaves me here, at 0127, pumping after Hannah took both sides and threw herself off, although still hungry (still rooting around, sucking on random things-classic hunger signs)...and yet NOT latching on the boob. Even though I know there's milk there, because I can squeeze it out. And if she latched for even a little bit, I could help by squeezing some out while she sucked. So Marcus uses his pinkie, and that blasted feeding tube, and gave her 30ml of formula. After three-four pumpings, I barely collect 30ml... and he gives her that.

The pumping is supposed to be twofold- gives us breastmilk to give Hannah, and encourages my body to make more. I don't know how that "more" part is working out... it sure doesn't feel like it.

In the midst of it all, I don't want to miss the glory of this newborn. The beauty of another child. The gift of life. I don't want to get so caught up in breast milk, formula, breast feeding... that I look back and only remember hurt and anger and frustration. It has created another faith crisis in me... but I am trying so hard to desperately trust God, seek His plan, and remember that He is in control.

I want to enjoy these little feet before they grow big and stinky...

No comments: